
This is the only piece of fiction I ever even got closed to completing. It began as an assignment in Jessie Van Eerden’s Creative Writing course my Junior year at SPU. The assignment: write a story from the perspective of someone whose mind is fried. Since I was reading a lot of Ken Kesey and Tom Wolfe at the time, this was the result. I set it in Eugene, OR and worked hard to describe the roads and the grass and trees and the quiet nature of folks. Also, this was just a good chance to write a creepy story.
I didn’t tell anyone I came here. I told Skinny Bill that I was getting some milk but then I didn’t come back. I couldn’t risk anyone coming around. I needed to be alone and away from the world. No one. Not a soul. Just me and the atmosphere and the billions of vibrations in the dust and in the swaying pine trees and in pale moonlight and in my own body. Everything jumbling and swirling together, crashing and kissing and saying hello and how ya doing and really meaning it. This rickety old barn has waited, stood long enough for me to find it. It should all be opening up soon. Breaking apart and crumbling together like a pyramid or a triangle’d church.
After I left to not get milk I walked out to Highway 126 heading east out into the hills. I walked past the houses and ignored everyone I saw. What if they looked in my eyes, saw my plan and wanted to follow? I couldn’t have it. I needed to be leechless and light. I just couldn’t have it. I did the same thing when I walked through downtown and across the overpass—looked down at the sidewalk and counted the cracks.
I hitched a ride with an old man with missing fingers. Three fingers were sliced up on his right hand. He picked me up in a brick-red Dodge Dart. Bad muffler, so it was loud as hell. A big dent on the ride side above the tire an old metal storage rack on top with nothing on it. He had to open the door for me because the outside handle was busted. His tires were as bald as he was, whatever hair he had left was cut short and precise by Bob the Barber with the red white blue swirler out front. He didn’t say anything when I got in and neither did I. We made eye contact and I gave a little twinkle to make sure he knew I was on the up and up. Or the straight and narrow. Whatever’s good. Wife and kids type guy from the looks of him. Thins slack and a yellow golf shirt still tucked in out of habit. Must have been on a fishing trip somewhere along the McKenzie from what I could tell. And I could tell. In the back was a fishing rod with the reel, red and blue flies, tackle box full of bait and screws and a picture of his first car, pliers and a screwdriver, a brown bag probably full of pre-made ham and cheese sandwiches, a case of Milwaukie’s Best, canvas tent and an old sweat-stained hat I bet he got from his dead dad or his cool uncle. The short dark hairs along his chin told me he neglected to shave for a couple of days, to feel more like himself and I bet his wife didn’t like it and told him so. I looked at the birds lined up on the power lines and he tapped his finger to radio playing fuzzy Mexican music. I could tell he wasn’t really listening. Scratchy mariachi music is the type of thing you play when you just need to hear some noise and watch the road slice through the forest. Tap tap on the steering wheel with his three cut up fingers. Must have been from the same accident because they were all cut at the same angle. His thumb was cut just at the top, a tiny shred a nail still held on—thick and discolored. His pointer and middle finger were cut right above the knuckles. Tapping to horns, giant guitars and red green accordions. The music was bouncing up and down up and down. He turned to me and asked me where I was headed. Where are we headed I said. That’s the right question I said. Bullseye.
I smiled and looked back out the window. He looked at me like a funny old man, a little perplexed and kind of angry for not giving some standard bull answer. But then he looked at what kind of kid he was talking to. He started to laugh. Controlled at first like he had forgotten how to do it but then it started to bust out of him like coins through a worn down pocket. Lincoln, Washington, and Jefferson, even Susan B Anthony came tumbling out together. He laughed and said damn and good lord while catching his breath. He rubbed his head and slapped his thigh, hit his blinker, passed a few cars for no reason, and scratched his nose. Then he looked at me again and stopped laughing. My mind could have been anywhere for all he knew. I knew that my mind was in the car with the radio and the man with three missing fingers. But for all he knew my mind could have been with Jack the Ripper, creeping through dark alleys, sniffing out for blood. Or it could have been with Henry the VIII, in some damp dungeon, fixing to cut off someone’s head. He was nice about his fear though. He just turned to me, said this is as far as she goes and dropped me off at the entrance to some old logging road, just as the sun was setting and the clouds were turning purple. A fresh black eye over the entire face of the sky._Clark_012005_lg.jpg)
I didn’t know where I was and I really didn’t care. I walked up the road for a while until I found a gate along the side. I hopped it and walked up the drive and found an overgrown farm left years ago by some Jim-and-Betty couple moved into the city to live close enough to go to all their grandkids’ football games. The whole property was maybe twelve or ten acres. It was about as big as my uncle’s place in Scio. He raises llamas and goats. They look nice and fluffy, but those creatures are mean as Mother Nature. Grass stood high as my waist and swayed in rigid clumps and pine trees fortified everything. The farmhouse had already been torn down and left a pile of unusable boards and rusty nails. But, at the far side of the field was a red barn, leaning to the right, held together by spit and bubblegum. I swam through the grass and walked through the barn door, remembering to take off my shoes out of respect. Most of the place was empty, all the hefty tools sold or stolen. The hayloft was still there. It made me look and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it directly in front of me as I walked in. There was a ladder going up to it, but it was useless since all but two of the rungs were missing. Directly above me opened a gaping hole in the ceiling that let the moonlight come in easy. I sat down cross-legged like a television Indian chief on a dry clump of hay facing the hayloft, placed it on my tongue, gulped, swallowed and waited. Enough light from the stars and moon to see everything in front of my eyes, and the stuff in my blood to see everything else. There shouldn’t be anyone barging in because I didn’t tell anyone, not even Skinny Bill that I was coming here. No one. Not a soul.
I put my hands out, palms up. Let the blood flow. Fancy free. Take in the answers, soak them up. I am a thirsty plant. Answers to questions I’ve never asked, to questions I never thought to ask, and to questions that I never knew I could ask. Those questions that have been cohabitating with the long-dead stars and the broken hearts of fairy tale villains waiting to be called up—cosmic telephone ringing from anyone like me willing to kill logic and blow his mind long enough to dial the numbers. Rotary style. Operator, connect me to John Q Unknown and his crazy gang of Mystery Mates. Close my eyes and watch the trillion tiny colorworms crawl under my eyelids. A wild squirming portrait painted with neon and mercury on a fleshy black canvas. And I can feel myself floating, stepping outside myself. Eyes open and I see the barn is not the same, different, more, alive. The walls bend and quiver. The color of the dirt is now too bright for my blue eyes. The dull dirt has transformed into something wild and fluorescent. So bright I have to look up at the shit-covered ceiling beams. They move too. Bend easily like rubber or silly-putty and I want to imprint myself on them. Make myself into a Sunday morning front-page picture to see what I look like as a formulized arrangement of black and white dots. I am a floating dot. There is no ground. Solidity and gravity fled for the high grounds. There is no gravity and no ground and while I’m at it sir, there is no earth, no words, no books, no order, no homemade apple pie, no big ideas, no 1 2 3 JUMP, no catch you if you fall, no grand ideas, and there sure as hell is no making it big time. Just one Great Vibration. The Great Vibration comes in waves at me but I feel slightly out of tune. The streetlights must have tweaked me something awful. Turn my mind’s lever to the right, pluck the string below and listen to the barn, still shifting and beautifully painfully vibrant, echo back to me till I get it just right.
Sweet Lord, what is that thing in the hayloft?

No sir, no schoolbook owl. No honest to God ordinary forest-dwelling critter. The seven eyes on its face all blink at the same time changing color each time. Sporadic yet synchronized and purposeful…a groovy and horrible Morse code. TERROR STOP CHILDREN LOCK YOUR DOORS AND DRAW THE BLINDS STOP BLACK RAIN FROM THE MISERABLE SKY STOP He doesn’t have to turn his head around because his seven eyes can see through everything, past the bull. Bullseye. The middle of each eye endless and black. His feathers are not even feathers. They are a collection of every discarded sharp thing draped over his mailbox frame. Volcanic stones, shrapnel, busted windows by wild baseballs, chipped teeth, rusty murder weapons washed on the riverside, scalpels, shark’s teeth, arrowheads, and razorblades. They all sparkle in the moonlight, they clink and clank with every silent breath he takes. His talons are long as hypodermic needles and stained with the blood of millions of field mice and naturally un-selected kittens and in that awful blood red I can hear their last dying screams and even more I can hear all the noise they never made, the screams stopped short and they pulsate my brain. I look into his eyes and see his evil intentions.
I can see what he means.
That little mouse does look kind of tasty. Yes, sir, it does. In the middle of the room stands the poor field mouse, soaking in the moonlight and biting his own tail. He has my blue eyes and he can’t look at the floor either. Much too bright. The owl’s eyes blink. WE EAT STOP BECAUSE WE HAVE TO STOP WE WANT TO STOP
Without hesitation the owl springs from the hayloft in a dive bomb towards the mouse. His jagged feathers spread on his giant wings. Slicing and dicing every floating particle of dust and hay into half, just like the man’s fingers. I bet the owl did that too. Lord, he must have cut right through those fingers and didn’t think anything of it. Starting from the thumb in a precise angle to the middle finger before flying off. And what did that man do to deserve it, nothing—except get a job and raise some kids and listen to fuzzy mariachi music. The seven-eyed owl is hungry for flesh. He doesn’t care if it’s a middle-aged file clerk or the pauper field mouse below. Before the mouse’s blue eyes can see or understand his swift arriving death the needle claws pierce his heart and he is taken away into the night through the hole in the ceiling. I hear his squeaky cry stopped short and the sound of squeaks that never were and never would be. The sounds of that mouse and all the mice he would create and all the mice they would create. Generations of squeaky innocent field mice tumble rough through my mind like a crumbling mountain. I hear the owl flap his wings, his razor feathers clinking with every stroke and slice of the atmosphere and he’s gone.
Now, I can start to see room take shape again. Beams solidify and walls start to look more like wood and less like rubber. My Reason For Coming begins to dissolve in my blood stream and evaporate through the hairs on my arm and out underneath my fingernails. Regretful to have to see this world again, with Taskmaster Time pulling me by my earlobes. The owl and the mouse—that could have happened years ago, or not at all for all that I know. No sense to make of that one. Zero, zilch, nada, nothing, big round goose-egg. Only thing I know, yes, it’s a good time to not be a mouse. Good time to be isolated and a good time to not tell Skinny Bill about this. Good time to have all ten fingers. Good time for turmoil and this convenient escape.

As soon as the kaleidoscope clouds in my mind move out, the clouds up there move in. Up there, you, go take the moonlight on a detour to some other godforsaken barn. The one hole in the barn, the owl’s door to dinner, gets closed up by blue clouds. Everything starts to disappear around me and is taken up by a squirming blackness. Black as the devil’s coat closet. But across the room, straight ahead, in the hayloft I hear the clink and clank of a thousand different sharp things. Out of the black comes one green eye, one blue eye, one red eye, one pink eye, one orange eye, one purple eye, one yellow eye. Seven eyes blinking at once, random and on cue.
NO INNOCENT BYSTANDERS STOP AND HERE YOU ARE STOP
Seven more eyes, seven more colors appear beside. Fourteen evil eyes, blinking that nightmare Morse code.
WE SEE YOU STOP EVEN IN THE DARK STOP
Seven more eyes appear above. Twenty-one eyes. Blinking.
HUNGER DRIVES US STOP BLOOD MAKES US FLY STOP
Twenty-seven
Thirty-five
HOW COULD ANYONE HIDE STOP FROM SO MANY EYES STOP
42, 49, 56. Losing track. Can’t count. Eyes surround me, blinking, bright and menacing.
I can’t breathe. I can’t move.
WE KNOW YOU CANT STOP AND WHERE WOULD YOU GO STOP
The buzz is gone.
SO WHAT STOP
More and more eyes every second. The buzz is gone but the eyes are still there.
AND ALWAYS WILL BE STOP
The trip is over.
YES IT IS STOP
No one knows where I am. I didn’t tell Skinny Bill where I was heading. No one knows. Not Old Man Mariachi Band, or even my own mind knows where in God’s Great Valley I am right now.
NO ONE STOP NOT A SOUL